1. Nazi
A friend of mine once characterized the Israelis as jack-booted thugs (i.e. nazis) for their actions in the West Bank and Gaza Strip. Another friend called President Clinton a nazi for opposing legislation prohibiting partial birth abortions. As nasty as that procedure is, neither side of the abortion debate has ever needed much of an excuse to demonize the other, whether it’s the “baby-killing” pro-choicers or “woman-hating” pro-lifers. All the name calling is disgusting.
Vilification, like the death penalty, should only be used in the most extreme cases. But aren’t we too flawed as a species to ever put anyone to death? Who doubts that innocent people have been executed and that such mistakes would continue under any circumstance that allowed the practice, either because of our flawed court system or the haze-inducing results of our vengeful rage?
And so with personal vilification. Take a stand, yes, fight for what you believe in, but don’t call your opponent Satan unless you see a spiky red tail swinging from his ass, because otherwise you simply aren’t qualified to make the call.
So why not ban all terms of vilification? Why begin and end with “nazi?” I’m simply not powerful enough to ban the entire range of such hateful language. Yet I have to start somewhere, and the use of the word “nazi” for such uses is particularly loathsome. It’s so loaded with images of aggression and inhumanity that we’re supposed to drop our jaws in awe when it’s used to describe an opponent in an argument or fight. But its use in such circumstances just makes me yawn and sneer. So I ban it.
Please note: Hitler and his cronies will henceforth be referred to as “national socialists.”
2. Unnatural
Many haters of homosexuality say it’s unnatural because it goes against God’s law. That’s dumb enough, but I knew one guy who called it unnatural because the practice doesn’t happen in the rest of nature. But that’s patently false; if anything, bisexuality is the norm. And the argument is moot in any case, because humans are part of nature and therefore everything we do is by definition natural, even if we buggered bullfrogs.
The same logic applies to food. Just because we’ve genetically tinkered with an orange doesn’t mean it’s unnatural. We’ve been tinkering with food ever since we began cultivating plants and domesticating animals, always choosing the apple with the most heft and the pig with the meatiest butt for further genetic development.
Do you know how small corn cobs were before we began cultivating them? Much smaller than the thumb-sized cobs grown by ancient Americans. Now imagine traveling tens of thousands of years back to those first hunter-gatherers who encountered the plant and show them the modern ear of corn, the gargantuan by-product of millenniums worth of farming. “Unnatural!” they’d cry in their rude tongue, then sacrifice you to their sky god.
If a food is bad for your health then say so (preferably not when I’m trying to enjoy it). But don’t use the word “unnatural.” That’s just stupid.
And yet it hurts me to ban the word, since there are occasions when the word could be used usefully and in a way not insulting to our intelligence. For example, it could be used to describe hypothetical occurrences that are most likely impossible, like a person being in two places at one time or me getting married in the next ten years. “Unnatural,” you say; it literally cannot happen in the universe as we know it. But the word’s cons outweigh its pros, so it is banned.
But, you argue, if it insults the mind to call a non-hypothetical action or behavior unnatural, shouldn’t the use of its opposite also be banned, since its use would be superfluous in all situations? Yes, it should. And so, my third banned word…
3. Natural
Everything that happens is part of nature, therefore it is natural. That’s obvious. So why ever use the word?
I don’t want to ban the word. It’s overused, but the word’s metal hasn’t been as rusted by stupidity as “unnatural.” Besides, I liked the movie The Natural, and good cinema should always be considered. Still, for consistency’s sake, “natural” must be banned.
Consistency. There’s another overused term. If I loudly proclaim that I’ll never eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich one day then nibble at one the next am I being inconsistent or open minded? Consistency is the by-word of the mediocre minded and its use should be curtailed.
But I’ve banned enough for now. The fate of “consistent” will have to wait another day.
