Mothers: take advantage of labor

Childbirthing labor is a special time for a mother, a time to make all manner of weirdo insults, accusations and threats against her husband that, under different circumstances, would seem delusional or even psychotic.

 

My pregnant friend asked me to come up with a list for her to use when her special time arrives later this year. I copy it here for the benefit of all the beloved women in our lives.

 

1. I’m naming him “Steak” after the knife I’m going to use to kill you.

 

2. You have an opinion about epidurals? That’s funny, because I have an opinion about castration.

 

3. I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with “crabstinence.”

 

4. You’ve given me my demon spawn, now go to hell.

 

5. I’ve got a new case for that camera: it’s your ass.

 

6. Your mother can have her grandchild; I want a beer.

 

7. I’ll start breathing if you stop.

 

8. I wouldn’t waste a diaper on you because you ain’t worth shit.

 

9. Our baby? Well, at least it’s mine.

 

10. Let me put it this way: the baby and I are the Vikings and you’re the Packers.

Rah!

My dreams suck. Things always go wrong. Nothing catastrophic, usually, just annoyances or a steady decline that can’t be stopped, like a slow mudslide that you know, tomorrow or the next day, in the relentless rain, will drag down your house.

 

In my dreams I can’t find my classroom (being back in college is bad enough) or my calves feel like clay and can’t move. In one my brother hunts me with a shotgun. In a more lucent dream I will a woman into my bed only to find that same farting brother, and nothing Freudian can be squeezed from the situation to make his appearance even perversely satisfying.

 

We blame God for the suffering in the world yet create dream worlds that make this one seem like paradise, like God really had His crap together when He made it. It makes me give Him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I wonder how God got the idea for me. I was probably just one in a line of souls stretching back from the cloudy edge, waiting to take that high leap into a tiny pile of splitting cells that would become me. But, just maybe, I was a truly inspired idea, a happy moment in His endless days of creation, one that made Him pat Himself on the back and take the evening off. Maybe we all are inspired ideas. Maybe that’s why the universe is so dang old; God had to take a lot of nights off.

 

I’ve often felt someone rooting for me. He waves a small banner in the empty stands. “Rah!” reads the banner, mustard yellow on maroon felt. He gives me a little wave. Perhaps it’s just an inspired dream. If so, I pat myself on the back and take the night off.

Dan’s Rules for Parenting Excellence

Earlier this year two friends of mine announced their pregnancy. (Well, they announced her pregnancy; his work was done.) To help them with their first journey into parenthood I shared just a drop of the vast ocean that is my parenting wisdom. I now share it with you.

1. Start the guilt early; it will pay off in the long run.

2. “Bad baby!” is never a bad response.

3. A dog’s tongue is a suitable substitute for wet wipes.

4. Thou shalt not beat your father at tennis. Ever.

5. Make lemons into lemonade: whip dirty diapers at dumb people.

6. If gruel worked for kids in the 19th century, it will work for kids now.

7. Santa’s Christmas Eve visit is not a certainty; it’s a bargaining chip.

8. “I love you, Mommy” doesn’t pay the bills, little Skippy. Get a job.

9. You want to play catch? Didn’t we get you an X-Box?

10. When your children become teenagers, remember: dogs and cats aren’t the only creatures that can be spayed or neutered.

11. If, as a parent, you ever find yourself befuddled, remember this one word: punishment.